What If.

June, July, and the first part of August have been such a whirlwind of "what ifs".

Basically, my [brain & heart] are mush.

A lot of self-imposed guilt. A lot of heavy questioning. A lot of not trusting.

Even in moments of peace, and comfort, I still can't grasp this "it doesn't have to make sense" business. And honestly it never will.

And that's okay. I'm not meant to. [We're not meant to.]

Yet, I [seek] to...all the time!

I just have this longing for peace, unity, and fulfillment [for myself & others]. I ache at all the brokenness in & around me. I want to turn back time and [change] circumstances & decisions...But what I really want? Perfection.

I see that.
I know that.
I feel that.

But it's against everything this world is. And against everything this world can be...[Without Christ].

So, what I'm really longing for- I'm really longing for heaven. I'm really longing for Jesus. [Thank the Lord for good, honest friends that remind me of this.]

And these what ifs-

What if I did more.
What if my parents hadn't lost their home.
What if my dad & mom could find great paying jobs.
What if they had everything they needed.
What if we lived down the road from our family.
What if I did more for people.
What if I was more extroverted.
What if I was working a dream job.
What if I wasn't tired all the time.
What if I didn't have doubts.
What if lightening hadn't struck our house, and [from an unrelated problem] the AC unit completely go out...on the [same] night.

I could go on. And on. And on. And I'm sure you could too.

But here's the thing- I don't have to...you don't have to.

We can cling to Him. We can cling to the hope of heaven- the hope of Him & His perfection. The hope that He makes us whole- He fixes the broken. He fixed it on the cross.

We can breathe easy knowing that He has got the world in His hands, and even though it may feel utterly out of control sometimes, He still has it.

And we still have [hope].

So, instead of giving in and seeking these "what ifs", I'm striving [yes, I will fail, and so will you.] to seek the "what is" of life.

What is true.
What is in front of me. [What is behind me.]
What is in me.
What is...Him.

I'm thankful for heavy times, even though they're hard. But I'm also thankful for light times, too. Times that I can cast my cares on Him, rejoice, and choose joy.

Times that I say, "what is..."

So, here's a little [okay, maybe a lot.] of those lovely, light moments over the past few months. They sure have been good for my heart.

I've found a love for stamping! 

Road-trips with my boys are always the best. 

We can now mow our own lawn! 

A weekend of rest & fun at the lake for July 4th was MUCH needed. 

Date-nights like this. 

Reminders of His truths. [By Frenchpressmornings.]

Concert with the hubs. 

Wedding stuff for the best. 

Seeing this little cutie. 

And her sweet brothers! 

Perfect lunch breaks at work. 

Cake pops after a horrible day. 

Seeing a dear, dear friend! 

Celebrating Mel's up-coming marriage. 

And throwing a shower for her!

Road-trip with the Momma & Sister to the shower. [And yes, it won't save the rotation...:)]

Sweet, sweet fellowship!

Community Group at St. Elmo Park. 

My Young Living Oils & wholesaling guide came in! 

A surge protector took the grunt of a lightening strike & saved our electronics...And this guy came out on a Friday night to make sure everything was okay! 

Our AC stopped working Friday night, too. We missed getting to go to our sweet, Emery's 1st Birthday. But we took a quick breakfast date that helped ease our stress!

Emery turned ONE! :)

A lovely, little dinner at a place we'd never been. What a relief to get away from our 80 degree house! 

You should go... :) 

There is truly a season for everything.

Ecclesiastes 3 English Standard Version (ESV)

A Time for Everything

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

The God-Given Task

9 What gain has the worker from his toil? 10 I have seen the business thatGod has given to the children of man to be busy with. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 12 I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; 13 also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man.

14 I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. 15 That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away.[a]

May Mundanes

What a month! I can't believe it's almost over. We celebrated. Played. Traveled. Loved. And balanced life the best we could. 

And thankfully, by the grace of God, by Him, we were [able] to. 

And thankfully, He continues to use daily life to teach, mold, & shape us! 

Paul David Tripp's article, Ringing in the New Year, has stuck with me since January and stirs in my heart daily. It stirs my heart for the gospel. It stirs my heart for real-life. And this quote from it perfectly describes our May! It perfectly describes every month. Every day: 

"The fact of the matter is that the transforming work of grace is more of a mundane process than it is a series of a few dramatic events. Personal heart and life change is always a process. And where does that process take place? It takes place where you and I live everyday. And where do we live? We all have the same address - the utterly mundane."

Take a moment and read it sometime! You won't regret it. 

[ http://paultripp.com/articles/posts/ringing-in-the-new-year ]

Here are some of my May Mundanes. 

I've sort of kept my flowers and plants alive. This is the best they've looked- it was the day we brought the little beauties home! ;) 

Kyle found some "good" soap at Whole Foods that smells heavenly and will help us stretch the liquid soaps! [The scent name is Sunshine!]

I'm also learning to use leftovers! It's a real struggle. ;) 

Kyle and I had a date night once a week. And plenty were at the Lookouts Games! One of which, we got to see the best pitcher in the major leagues! [the first two pictures are from the end of April...oops! It was basically May, right? ;) ]

And some dates were at home! He's a master griller now! ;) 

  

My Momma's graduation [<-----read about her story there!] brought us together for celebration of her hard-work and the Lord's grace given to her and our family- in all of our trials, heart-ache, and reconciliation. Such redemption our Savior gives! 

And on the same day, we sent off my brother and his sweet, girlfriend to her prom!

We also got to play and love our nephews and niece TWICE! [in Cookeville & Georgia, at Memom's!] Such fun! We love those little ones. And our dear, family! 

And Dooley had tons of fun, too! Especially, at Aunt Laura's Cheerio party! Just not the traveling part...

We also hosted Robert and Patricia [my lovely in-laws!] Mother's Day weekend! We had a great time of fellowship and Chattanooga Market Fun!

We were also reminded how much we love our community in Chattanooga. They truly are family and beautiful pictures of Christ. And I LOVE their souls filling our home every Thursday! 

Then to end the month, my body decided to be cute and have an allergic reaction to something and I almost died. Not really. But a burning throat, fever, rash, then throat closing up and tongue swelling was not in my Friday plans! ;) But oh, how thankful I am for the Lord's sovereignty, even in that scariness! My coworkers were so caring, and I'm truly thankful for Epi, Steroid, and Benadryl shots and the knowledgeable medical staff that treated me! Sweet mercies, for sure. 

We're spending the last day of the month in our hometown for a wedding! I'm finding myself missing this place more and more- every day. 

It definitely makes me so thankful for the little things. Even for a tree that I always anticipate to see on the drive here. [Even a tree can be a reminder of how precious life is.] And how we can truly live a full life- with Christ providing that fullness! Yes, fullness in the mundane. Yes, fullness in the midst of chaos. 

Even in the mundane, we can find peace- we can find true joy. Our life has big moments, but like Paul David Tripp reminds us, our life is made up of more little mundane moments than the big ones. And as hard as that can be sometimes, it can be embraced. It can be welcomed. At least in the best ways that we can...

Because [The Lord] is in the mundane, too. 

Against All Odds

On May 3rd, against all odds, my Mom is going to walk the final steps of the hardest and proudest accomplishment of her life [aside from her children, of course!].

Some may say this is a normal feat for our current society, with online options and such, but in reality, it's extraordinary. 

And from the bottom of my proud [bursting at the seams for her] heart, I want you to know how it happened. And maybe, just maybe, you'll see our God's remarkable grace. 

Although her journey to earn a degree began three and a half years ago, this dream has been in her heart much, much longer. A dream that she didn't think was possible. At first, her biggest obstacle was herself. She didn't feel smart enough. And voices from her educational past haunted her. [Yes, words do hurt. And yes, words can stay with you forever. But, thankfully, Jesus is bigger than those words!] After much encouragement and support from us and people at her work, she took the plunge. And so her journey began at Volunteer State Community College. 

Yet, another journey began to take place. After helping me overcome a deep, dark depression during my first few years of college , helping my sister in her hardest years of nursing school, and helping my brother in his last few years of high school, her marriage to my father almost ended. During this time, my dad experienced the darkest days of his life. He was fighting demons that were tearing him down in every area possible. And it almost destroyed their marriage, our family, and himself. 

During 4 months of fearing their divorce and questioning if my dad would be healed, she also feared where the next meal would come from, and the loss of our family home of 23 years. But God provided. We were taken care of. People were beyond generous- they were sacrificial. And those fears turned into enormous faith. And around midnight one faithful night, I received the news that my dad returned, like the prodigal son- they were going to seek reconciliation. The healing of their marriage began. From that moment the journey didn't get easier. But healing meant things weren't ending- It meant grace.

[I also need to add, during that time, we got a family dog, Maggie! Which, she is also a picture of His grace. She provided endless amounts of joy and therapy to our hurting hearts!]

After searching for the right program to finish her degree, she felt called to Trevecca Nazarene's adult education program for a Manager of Human Relations degree. And thus began her final stretch of the journey. She drove or rode every week on Tuesday nights with her friend, Michelle, [who also enrolled the same program], to Nashville for class. They tirelessly labored over hours and hours of homework and tests while both working full-time jobs, and taking care of their families. God and his sweet mercies provided understanding professors and a supportive, sweet friendship. 

And life didn't settle there. I graduated college in May, then Kyle and I got engaged in September 2011, and married in March. My brother graduated high school that May. Then Kyle and I moved away to Chattanooga. And fall came, and my brother transitioned into college. Her heart endured so many life-changes, but there was even more to face. Finances were still a burden and still a source of stress. But she still didn't quit. God still provided. But in 2012, they did lose their home. And as hard as it was, to leave the place we were raised and where they built their life, a huge burden was lifted. And more refining began. So, Thanksgiving weekend of 2012, we moved their life and our childhood into a rental home. Then, my sister got engaged, graduated nursing school in May, she and my brother-in-law, Jason, got married in September of 2013, and my brother had ACL surgery in December! [So that makes THREE graduations, TWO weddings, and a surgery during it all!] And I'm sure I'm forgetting something! 

Her final hurdle to jump came just a month ago. She needed 16 credits to graduate. They were all needed by the middle of March, but online or in-class options were too expensive, and time was running out. [And her friend, Michelle, needed double [and more] credits.] But again, by God's grace and His sweet mercies, He provided a way for them both to complete those credits with online and on-campus tests. 

You see, odds were against her [and our family]- she should have quit. She should have divorced. But she didn't. She didn't quit her marriage, full-time job, school, or us. She persevered. And the Lord redeemed it all- by His will and sovereignty. Yes, she still had long, lonely, sleepless nights of homework, but she didn't quit. It was still messy, frustrating, angering, humbling, and hard to stomach sometimes, but she still found strength- even strength to encourage me, my brother, sister, and dad. Yes, we encouraged and supported her in any way we could, but ultimately, that strength came from relying on Him. He gave endless amounts of it and He was the only way she pushed through. 

Yes, Odds were against her, but HE was for her.

And she did it! HE did it. 

[I can't even explain how proud we all are of you, Mom. You are such an inspiration and picture of the gospel. I know I can speak for everyone when I say, the Lord has used your story to show His story. And He will continue to refine you and others with every part of it. Thank you for persevering and being obedient. Thank you for not giving up. 

Soak up every moment this week!] 

And for anyone that reads these words, I hope you've seen more than just a story of perseverance- but a story of grace, mercy, and love! It's a story of Him.

And all the glory is to Him. 

Isaiah 40:27-31

English Standard Version (ESV)

27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
    and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
    and my right is disregarded by my God”?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
    his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
    and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
    and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.

Photo by Gretchen Lynn Robards.

Photo by Abby Weeden Photography. 

Photo by Abby Weeden Photography. 

Photo credit to Michelle Poteet. 

Photo credit and copyright to Trevecca Nazarene University. 

His Sweet Mercies

Oh, His sweet mercies. 

So thankful for a few hours to lounge in my comfies & rest on our front porch. So often, it's in these moments, my brittle & broken spirit becomes renewed with His strength. Because [being honest, bringing it all, that'll do it!] 

I'm clinging. I feel empty, unsure, & betrayed. But yet, so did He. 

And yet, I'm in the shadow of His wings. [I may be all sorts of doubting at times, but I am!] He has me. He has it all. I'm secure- for my security isn't in my loved ones, my job, my plans, my health, or my stuff- it's in Him. 

The One who conquered our sins & fears.
The One who conquered death.

The One who emptied a tomb & fills our hearts. 

He conquered it all. Feeling every bit empty, unsure, & betrayed. So, He can conquer this- because He already has. 

[My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood & righteousness!] 

So. Thankful.  

It all comes back to Him.

Sometimes our favorite, most cherished, life-giving things become weighty- the biggest obstacles in our path.

Last month, blogging did just that.

It made life heavy.

My good become my bad.
My joy became my frustration.
My peace became my chaos.

I couldn't do anything, but stop. I had to step away. Reevaluate my heart. And uncover what was underneath.

My heart was incredibly weighty with comparison & over-thinking. I couldn't stop comparing my words to others- "my creativity just wasn't enough, my pictures weren't top quality, my story wasn't as glorious, challenging, or as life-changing as others- it didn't measure up." [I didn't measure up.] 

And even though most of those thoughts were lies, they still had a sinful-source- I couldn't stop seeking personal gain. I couldn't stop seeking perfection. I couldn't stop. 

And I couldn't see it- I was in deep. 

But when I finally stepped away, the unclear, cleared- the fog lifted. And I did more than see, I dug deep, down into the dirt of my heart. 

The dirt that keeps seeing my words as [my words], when actually, they are His. 

And not only did I find my selfishness, I found His answer- His grace. Him. 

I don't say this to draw sympathy, attention, or feedback- I say this to be honest. I say this to confess. I say this to show I'm freed [in Christ] from my chained heart, soul, & mind that was trying too hard to make this about me. 

So, here's to a fresh perspective- here's to a refreshed heart. 

A heart that doesn't have to be perfect. 
A heart that He makes new. 
A heart that measures up, because of Him.

Because it all comes back to Him. 

Romans 11:33-36

Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It’s way over our heads. We’ll never figure it out. Is there anyone around who can explain God? Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do? Anyone who has done him such a huge favor that God has to ask his advice? Everything comes from him; Everything happens through him; Everything ends up in him. Always glory! Always praise! Yes. Yes. Yes.

Galatians 2:17-21

English Standard Version (ESV)

17 But if, in our endeavor to be justified in Christ, we too were found to be sinners, is Christ then a servant of sin? Certainly not! 18 For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor.19 For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God. 20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21 I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness[a] were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose.