Awake My Soul

As I sit here, in my 3rd floor apartment living room, looking out across the tree tops at the drizzling rain, I'm ignoring my sleepiness and getting hard-core at 9:00.

I'm trying really hard to listen.

I'm trying really hard to be strong.

I'm trying really hard to be "in-tune" with Him.

The funny thing is- I think I'm trying too hard.

I'm in a season in life where I feel helpless. I feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel like I'm misplaced. Most everything is going against what I ever thought or dreamed I'd be doing (minus being married...we all know that was number one on the list!).

My hopes and dreams feel as far away as the stars. But yet, I keep forgetting who spoke the stars into existence, who made my dreams, and most of all who made me.

In all this, I'm making myself the most important thing in my life. And that's how I'm trying too hard.

Christ doesn't expect our version of being "successful," our version of always  listening well, always being strong, always be "in-tune" to Him. Our ways aren't always his ways.

He knows we'll fail. Yet his love for us abounds. 

He doesn't expect a checklist. He doesn't expect legalism. He doesn't expect perfection.

But, so often, we do.

All he wants is us. 

Not just in the morning- during our devo, not just at meals- when we pray, not just at night- when our head hits the pillow...

He wants all of us. 

He wants every little moment- every smile, every word spoken, every hug given.

He wants every big moment- every angry outburst, every tear cried, every ugly sin.

He wants it all. 

He wants us.

My hopes and dreams are big. But I'm not making a checklist. I'm writing them down, but I'm allowing for interruption.

An interruption that, in Christ, I can be ready for.

My prayer is this: Awake my soul. 

Awake my soul for you- so I'll reach for you instead of the stars. 

You are Chosen

So, last weekend, my little sister got married! It was the most perfect weekend anyone could have ever asked for. I have never seen her so in charge!

She had it all together and wasn't even nervous.

I have never been more proud of her. I have never been more honored to be her sister.

Maybe that's why I was an unbelievable basket-case!

I literally began crying at the smallest things (on Wednesday...WEDNESDAY- it wasn't even the wedding day!)- like when I packed to leave, when I drove by the little local shop in Chattanooga where we bought our dresses, while she got her nails done, while standing in the church parking lot when her amazing best friend, Hailey, asked me how I was holding up, and if you were at the wedding, I'm sure you noticed I cried walking down the aisle and maybe the entire ceremony. Yeesh.

I can't explain why.

I didn't expect to be so emotional.

I also didn't expect God to speak to me, right before I spoke at their rehearsal dinner.

I was nervously going through what I was going to say in my head (I'm not one for public speaking!), and it hit me...

We did not choose to be sisters, but we choose to be best friends.

God, sovereign in all his grace and mercy, placed us together...as sweet (not so sweet, on my end, when we were itty bitty!) sisters.

But we choose to daily love each other- to have a friendship that not all siblings have.

{I can proudly say that about our brother and parents, too.}

As I sat there, around the beautifully decorated, round, bridal party, table (eating a piece of insanely good cheesecake) my mind wondered from conversations and turned into a home video.

I couldn't help but think back to all the little "sister moments" I cherish- all the dressing up, "clogging" (stomping in our church shoes...) shows in the kitchen, mornings playing barbies, summers eating watermelon on the back porch, running through the sheets that were hanging up to dry, hair-pulling and fingernail scratching fights, and welcoming our little brother into our crazy, fun-loving, sibling club.

Needless to say, it was a short, tear-filled speech.

I still can't believe we are both married...and our brother is a Sophomore in college!

Be still my heart. 

To be honest, I'm still emotional and still in denial.

How does time go by this fast?

Why didn't life come with a slow-down button?

What about a rewind button?

So I could go back and not wish away those little moments...so I could change those times I didn't appreciate things.

-I can already tell, I'm going to be that sappy parent when we have kids!

So much in life is like this. We don't always choose to be where we are, or choose to be placed with certain people, but regardless, we find ourselves there- we find ourselves being thankful...or not realizing what's in front our faces...or begging for whatever it is to be gone.

No matter what season, there are choices we make.

I didn't choose to be the daughter of Lisa and Tim. I didn't choose to be the sister of Maicie and James.

{He did. And I'm forever grateful- I wouldn't have it any other way.}

But I choose to love them.

Jason and Maicie chose each other. They choose to love each other daily.

Kyle and I chose each other. We choose to love each other daily.

And no matter how badly I want it, there is not a slow-down button.

There is not a rewind button.

You may want those buttons, or even a fast forward button.

Whatever your life looks like, remember this- you are chosen, by the one who chose it all.

You are his adopted child. You are his bride. He pursues you.

In all your imperfections.

You may not understand why, or what for...

But thankfully, it's not about understanding- it's about how you choose to respond, who you choose to be, and who (and how) you choose to love.

It's about being Jesus.

It's about choosing to be like him:

When you feel loved and accepted- Love. Be Jesus.

When you aren't loved back- Love anyway. Be Jesus.

When you don't feel like giving grace and mercy- Give it. Be Jesus.

When you feel like being selfish. Be selfless. Be Jesus.

I am so thankful for these choices- whether in the lily fields or in the quick sand.

And for his grace- because I will mess it up.

And for my family- blood related and not...

They have loved me well and have loved me when I am unlovable.

That is life-giving...that is the Gospel.

Loving the imperfect, imperfectly.

We may not see the purpose or value in it at first, but in the right time, and when we allow him to, he will reveal the beauty and treasures in those moments and relationships.

I want to wake up every day, breathe in the goodness of him, be his bride (not just Kyle's), and choose to love and take in the life that he has placed around me.

Wherever you are, breathe in his goodness. Be his bride. Choose to love this crazy, unexplainable (at times), beautiful life. Take it in. Cherish it all.

You are chosen.

Confessions of a Christian Blogger

I started this blog last year, out of a tiny desire that quickly turned into a hobby. It's now developed into something I love so deeply- it’s a passion.

I know it’s something small. I’m small in this big picture of life. I know it’s not well-known, but the message I desire to send is known- as far as the east is from the west. I know everyone may not care, but He does.

That’s enough for me, because he is enough. 

And no matter who this blog reaches, no matter if 1 person or 50 people read it- it has a purpose. Everything can have a purpose. I rest in that.

However, I do have a restlessness. I do fear that I insert myself and my selfish desires where I need to be silent and in the background. I am human! But, I am learning to be cautious of my intentions and my words. 

I need to become less of the focus and he needs to become more- this is crucial. I believe there’s a balance and I’m searching for it...

This restlessness has also sparked my thoughts about other blogs. Am I really aware of what I read? Our world is in the midst of a “blog craze.” And it’s easy to become caught-up in the thoughts of another.

Ideas and beliefs are floating around for any soul to adopt and take to heart- to believe as truth. Because of this, I think it’s essential for us to keep ourselves and each other “in-check.”  

Words can certainly be life-giving and inspirational, but that’s not always the case. Even lies can be disguised as truths, then shared for days on Facebook and Pinterest. 

Ask yourself this- What are people’s intentions? Are they staying true to the Gospel? What can I take from it? What am I "feeding" on social media? What am I "feeding" my soul? 

I think those are important questions to keep in our hearts as we read our favorite blogs and authors. After all, they are human too.

On the flip-side, a beautiful aspect of this “blog craze” is how we can celebrate our differences, uniqueness, new ideas, resurrections of old ideas, and grow in ways we could have never expected- all by people’s hearts and passions, that they so graciously share. And that it can be published in seconds- at our fingertips! 

It’s honestly a gift, we just need to use it well and wisely.

So, fellow bloggers, fellow writers, famous or not- keep sharing your passions, your words, your gift to others, but remember the influence you have. 

In some cases, you hold your reader’s beliefs in the palm of your hand. It’s a delicate and precious gift, but it’s one that desperately needs to be placed in the Savior's hands- He can keep our words pure, creative, and from the very fiber of His being.

Fellow readers- Bathe it in prayer. Proceed with caution. Be real and honest. Celebrate differences. Take from it what you can. But stay true to the Gospel. 

It's as real and true as it gets. 

Rest in His Peace

Today, unlike any other day, actually, I am trying to slow down my ever-running mind. From new beginnings, to hard endings- life seems to never slow down, it seems to never have the answers we think it should have, and we’re often surprised or shocked when things don’t go our way. Honestly, why wouldn’t life be that way? Why should we expect everything to go our way? It’s a hard truth…and one I’m not really fond of, if I’m being honest.

But, today. Today, I’m not going to allow myself to wallow in self-pity. I’m not going to allow myself to get stuck on asking “why?” I’m going to rest in the peace that passes all understanding. His peace. I’m going to ravel in his presence. I’m going to sink into his unfailing love. I’m going to rest.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 

Let your Reasonableness be known to everyone.

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, 

but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving 

let you requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ-Jesus. 

Philippians 4:4-7

Go ahead- give yourself grace, let it all go, and rest, too.