I'm Not a Momma

We're waiting.

This may be the "new normal". I'm not sure. But children aren't in the picture yet. And hey, what is normal, anyway?

The hubby and I are in the right season for us- parenting our unbelievably cute mini dachshund (we're not biased, at all!), who is seriously like a toddler, and building a firm foundation for our marriage.

I do desire a little bundle of joy- the unconditional love & wisdom that motherhood brings. That intensity & desire grows deeper each day. 

And even though it's not our time, I sometimes have moments of impatience. I become restless for the next season- the next chapter to come. And it's not always for the right reasons. 

I see children look to their parents, with a love that no one else in the world has for them. I remember the love that I have for my Mom and Dad. And I see parents that have immense wisdom- an influence on society that I can't give. What. A. Gift. 

And those are my "wrong" reasons.

I know it's impatience. And some selfishness! 

And for once, I can admit that. In the past, not so much- for example, my hubby knew we weren't ready for marriage, straight out of school. I'm admitting it, right here, right now- this is a big deal, people! He was right. 

I was impatient for marriage. I wanted what most of my Bible college friends had. I wanted to be a wife to Kyle. It wasn't a bad desire, but my desire took over my soul. And I couldn't see the bigger picture. I couldn't see that Kyle still loved me, even though we weren't married yet. I couldn't see that I missed out on building relationships & learning from married women in the Johnson community & in life all around me. I was blinded by jealousy & pride. 

I don't want to repeat those sins.

Through reflecting on all my ugliness & all the beautiful things the hubby and I get to look forward to- I am ever so sweetly steered to Truth.

“Where's your focus, Megan?”

“Does the Gospel depend on your wisdom?”

“Does the Gospel depend on you being a mom?”

{No, no, & no.}

Talk about going to my knees and seeking forgiveness!

In that forgiveness, I was reminded of this:

It's okay to be where we are. 

It's okay to seek love & wisdom- to think about the next season.

But I shouldn't forget the present.

I have love & wisdom to offer. It’s not the same that mommy-hood brings, but it’s there. And most importantly it’s Christ-given- it’s been written on my heart, & ingrained in my bones.

It's the Gospel. 

And even though my days aren’t yet filled with precious giggles, sweet baby toes & fingers, hugs & kisses, dirty diapers, throw-up, and sometimes screaming, no-nap kiddos, I can love & learn. 

I can love, learn, & live in the present- where, by grace, I am at right now:

To love on my hubby & Dooley.

To love on our nephews, niece, & children around us. 

To rest in the wisdom that God has given me.

To know that it's okay to desire.

To know that God knows my desires. 

To be teachable. 

To ultimately, just love others & live out my story.

I look forward to the wisdom I’ll receive in the future- whether through birthing, adopting, or both.

I'm not a momma, yet.

But for now, I pray and seek to be humble…to keep learning from the mommies around me (even the ones with miles between us- my incredibly strong & wise grandmothers, mother, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, Aunts, & Cousins!)…to pray for my husband- his future role as father and for the fathers that will speak into him.

And that we can all speak into each other’s lives- children, no children, married, or single- whatever season we're in.

We can all learn from each other.  

So wherever you are in life- know this:
You have your own story & seasons, written with His wisdom & given to you, to live-out and share.

You are not discredited!

You have purpose, where. you. are.